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Dikelilingi kerabat dan teman yang hadir, aku tersenyum melihat Mathew nampak bahagia. Bagiku, dia adalah lelaki pujaan yang akan mengisi hari-hariku hingga di ujung senja nanti.
Dia belahan jiwaku. Aku berharap bersamanya bisa menata masa depan dengan memiliki rumah indah dan anak-anak yang lucu serta sehat.
Namun 20 puluh tahun kemudian semua tak seperti yang kuharapkan. Kini aku sendiri, tak punya anak, dan tersiksa oleh ulahku karena mencampakan satu-satunya kebahagian yang aku punya.
Itu terjadi delapan tahun setelah pertunanganku dengan Mathew di tahun 1989. Aku putus darinya, dan saat itu aku begitu yakin akan ada pria lain yang lebih cocok dibandingnya. Pria itu sedang menanti kedatanganku—tapi ternyata itu tak pernah terjadi.
Di umurku sekarang yang telah 42 tahun, aku benar-benar berada di puncak karirku, dengan gaji tinggi, dan rumah indah di tengah kota London. Tapi semua itu tak membuatku bahagia—aku tak punya suami dan keluarga.
Sejak perpisahan itu, aku tak lagi pernah menemukan pria seperti Mathew, yang mau mengerti dan mencintai diriku. Dia, pria yang bisa menjadi teman dan kekasih yang baik.
Sedih rasanya bila melihat teman-temanku bersama anak-anak mereka. Aku jadi teringat saat bersama Mathew, kami sempat berdiskusi tentang nama-nama yang akan kami berikan pada anak-anak kami nanti. Namun aku tak percaya dengan ulahku yang membuang semua keindahan itu. Kini aku terus menyesal saat ingat begitu teganya diriku meninggalkan Mathew.
Berharap kembali pada Mathew? Tidak mungkin. Aku mendengar kabar bahwa dia sudah menikah. Mathew sudah bahagia.
Seandainya aku tak angkuh dengan memandang rendah hubunganku dengan Mathew, dan bila saja bisa kembali ke masa lalu, aku tak akan melakukan tindakan yang berujung pada penyesalan ini.
Saat itu, sama sekali aku tak mau mendengar permohonannya, agar aku tak meninggalkannya. Aku melihat Mathew menangis. Dia hancur, dan aku pun merasakan hal yang sama. Namun aku bersikeras tetap memilih untuk berpisah darinya.
Aku mengenang awal pertemuan kami yang terjadi saat sama-sama sekolah di Essex. Kami berkenalan dan mulai berkencan. Umurku waktu itu 17 tahun.
Keluarga mendukung hubungan kami. Aku memang jatuh cinta pada Mathew, namun ada hal yang aku lihat sebagai kekurangannya, dia pria yang romantis, tapi terlalu praktis. Pernah saat Natal, Mathew memberi hadiah berupa jaket kulit dan celana olahraga, bukannya bunga atau sesuatu yang romantis.
Namun, ada kenangan indah yang tak bisa aku lupakan. Saat itu kami sedang di dalam mobil dan menuju suatu tempat. Di tengah jalan, tiba-tiba Mathew memintaku menghentikan mobil. Mobil di belakang kami pun ikut berhenti. “Aku cinta kamu Karen Kross,” teriak Mathew. ”Berjanjilah kau akan menikah dengan ku.”
Aku tertawa dan berkata ya. Mathew kemudian memelukku erat.
Usai pertunangan, kami mencicil sebuah rumah di kawasan Essex. Furnitur langsung kami beli, termasuk sofa. Semua dari hasil gaji kami berdua. Pendapatanku memang lebih besar dibanding Mathew. Namun saat itu belum jadi persoalan bagi kami.
Lalu terjadilah krisis ekonomi. Cicilan rumah menjadi sulit untuk kami bayar. Terpaksa aku yang membayar lebih atas cicilan tersebut.
Aku dan Mathew berusaha kuat menghadapi persoalan tersebut. Kami bersama mencari solusi. Awal-awalnya kami masih bisa akur, namun saat aku mengalami promosi jabatan dan tunanganku masih terseok-seok dengan karirnya, pandanganku padanya mulai berubah.
Aku masih mencintai Mathew, namun jujur aku malu saat melihat dia dengan kondisinya saat itu. Aku juga malu dengan gaya kuno di kehidupan sehari-harinya. Dia masih suka berkendara dengan mobil VW tuanya.
Rumput tetangga lebih hijau, menjadi kesalahanku dalam memandang Mathew. Aku berharap Mathew dapat pekerjaan yang lebih baik, agar rumah tangga kami nanti bisa lebih mapan.
Aku mulai jahat pada tunanganku. Aku ingin dia sejajar dengan ku dalam soal karir. Aku mulai tak peduli betapa cintanya dia padaku.
Lalu aku memaksanya untuk melamar pekerjaan di kepolisian. Mathew diterima.
Namun, lagi-lagi aku tak cukup puas. Aku mulai merasa sulit bersamanya lagi karena dia sibuk dengan pekerjaannya.
Aku dengan sikap egoisku lalu memutuskan sesuatu yang akan aku sesali seumur hidupku. Aku bilang pada Mathew, aku putus darinya. Dia berusaha menolak kenyataan itu. Mathew dengan memohon-mohon meyakinkan aku untuk tetap bersamanya. Namun aku tetap pada putusanku.
Perpisahan itu diketahui orang tuaku. Ayahku kecewa dan mengatakan, “Karen, coba pikir-pikir lagi dengan keputusanmu. Mathew benar-benar menyayangimu,” katanya.
Namun, aku memilih untuk tak mendengar nasihat ayah. Aku begitu percaya diri akan ada lelaki sempurna yang sedang menungguku.
Kemudian aku menyewa sebuah apartemen, jauh dari rumah yang aku beli bersama Mathew. Aku dengan semangat tinggi dan sombong, kini makin sombong karena mendapat promosi lagi. Posisiku naik menjadi editor di sebuah majalah nasional. Aku bisa menikmati semua kemewahan yang dulu ingin aku miliki.
Hubunganku dengan Mathew tetap baik, bahkan kami saling telepon untuk mengetahui siapa kini yang menjadi pasangan masing-masing. Aku sering menganggap pacar baru Mathew tak sesuai dengan dirinya. Terus terang aku cemburu, dan masih ingin Mathew tetap menjadi milikku.
Kedekatan kami berakhir ketika Mathew bertemu seorang gadis yang kemudian menjadi pacarnya, Sara namanya.
Di hari ulang tahun Mathew yang ke-34, aku meneleponnya untuk meminta nasihat.
Kali ini Mathews terdengar enggan dan agak kesal. “Karen, tolong jangan kirim lagi kartu ucapan apapun untukku. Sara kemarin membuka kartu yang kau kirim. Dia terlihat tak suka dan sedih. Aku harus menjaga perasaannya,” ujarnya.
Aku malu dengan ucapan Mathew, namun aku masih merasa dia adalah milikku, dan marah karena ada perempuan lain yang bisa mengisi hatinya.
Aku merasa kacau, di satu sisi tak ingin kembali ke Mathew, tapi cemburu saat ada wanita lain mendekatinya.
Sejak itu Mathew tak pernah lagi menerima teleponku. Dan aku pun malu dengan kenyataan itu.
Beberapa bulan kemudian, aku bertemu Richard, seorang penyanyi. Dia pria romantis, dan kami bertunangan.
Aku merasa telah mendapatkan lelaki yang tepat. Karir Richard pun makin cemerlang. Dia populer dan sering mendapat undangan ke luar kota.
Namun, pikiranku masih tetap terpatri pada Mathew. Richard mengeluhkan hal itu. Dia terganggu dengan obrolanku yang sering menyebut nama Mathew, serta caraku yang selalu membandingkan dirinya dengan mantan tunanganku itu.
Bagiku, mereka berdua begitu berbeda. Meskipun romantis, namun Richard tak setia, dan aku merasa belum siap membentuk keluarga bersamanya. Setelah tiga setengah tahun berhubungan dengannya, kami berpisah setelah seorang gadis datang dan mengaku dihamili Richard.
Hidupku hancur. Tahun-tahun berikutnya aku berjuang untuk bangkit. Aku teringat kata-kata ayah, dan menyadari maknanya. Aku sadar, hanya Mathew yang mencintai dan mengerti diriku.
Saat aku mendengar Mathew putus dari Sara, aku menulis surat padanya, meminta maaf dan ingin kembali padanya. Namun, aku lupa, Mathew terlalu terpuruk oleh perbuatanku.
Lalu, aku mendengar dia telah menikah dengan pacar barunya, Nicola. Aku tak kuasa mendengar berita itu. Untuk beberapa saat aku tak bisa bernapas, lalu air mataku terjatuh.
Itu sebelas tahun lalu sejak aku dan Mathew tak lagi saling bicara. Aku terima kenyataan pahit, pintu telah tertutup untukku.
Aku berusaha melupakan semua. Seorang pria bernama Rob mendekatiku. Namun itu tak berlangsung lama, empat tahun kemudian kami berpisah.
Aku masih memikirkan Mathew. Meski aku tahu Mathew tak sempurna, namun caraku mencampakannya membuatku malah tak ingin menjauh darinya.
Aku ingin dia tahu bahwa aku menyesal, dan ingin selalu ada disampingnya. Namun, aku sadar bahwa semua itu tak mungkin. Mathew tak akan lagi berpaling ke diriku.
To those out there thinking of walking away from humdrum relationships, I would say don’t mistake contentment for unhappiness, as I did. It could be a choice you’ll regret for the rest of your life.
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